open relationship
How to start an open relationship
如何开始一段开放式的关系
A very common question among men is how to establish and maintain harmonious and pleasurable (for all involved!) open relationships, aka casual relationships or friends with benefits. Plainly put, how to see multiple women at the same time without creating a train wreck.
I am assuming here that, like me, you are not ok with simply misleading women (which, even beyond the moral issues, is problematic for anyone seeking self-improvement).
如何和谐而且愉快地维持开放式关系，是男人之间一个经常讨论的问题。简单地说，就是如何能够不出现意外而能够同多个女人在同一时间保持和谐关系。
我猜想，你不会满足于简单地通过欺骗女人来达到目的。刨去道德因素讲，这对追求自我提升的男人来说这种方式也是有不好的方式。
Fortunately, there is a way to start and maintain open relationships with beautiful, interesting women, and to unapologetically build a lifestyle that allows you to both be true to yourself and respect other people’s choices.
幸好，同漂亮、有趣的女人维持开放式的关系是有章可循的；创建这样一种不存内疚感的生活方式，对自己负责，也尊重mm的选择，也是有方法的。
Here are the key ingredients:
下面是关键的一些点。
Open relationships, Step 1: Sexualizing the interaction
If you want to establish a sexual interaction, sex has to be on the table in some way or another.
The better I got at sexualizing things the more success I had at starting open relationships. Sexualization refers to alluding to sex, in a number of different (explicit or implicit) ways. We teach a plethora of sexualization techniques in our training. 开放式关系，步骤1：让互动加入性的因素
如果你想创建一种包含性的互动，性必须通过某种方式直接放到台面上。
我越善于把事情加入性的元素（“性化”），我就会越加成功地开启一段开放式关系。“性化”就指通过各种明显、隐式的方式做性暗示。我们在培训中会教大家很多“性化”的技巧。
Most guys make the mistake of never alluding to sex, so it becomes the elephant in the room. Others make the mistake of referring to it in an awkward way, which comes off as creepy.
很多兄弟常常犯不做性暗示的错误，从而导致双方心理虽然都清楚，但是没人来提。其他兄弟也经常犯用一种比较尴尬的方式来进行性暗示，结果只能被当作猥琐而被打枪。
If you’re comfortable talking about sex, both in a facetious and serious way (whatever is right for the moment), that says a) you’re not creepy b) she can show you her sexual side without being judged and c) you’re probably decent in the sack.
如果你能很舒适地通过滑稽或者严肃的方式（无论是正确还是错误的）谈性，也就说明：
1），你并不表现得猥琐；
2），她也许因此愿意展示给你她性感的一方面；
3），你至少外面看起来可能还挺正经的。
The same goes for physical touch. If she finds herself touching you more or earlier than she usually does, she’ll feel that you two have more “chemistry” than those other guys she’s met, and she’ll see you as being smoother and having more confidence with women.
Regular guys have to play by the rules (“go on X dates before sex”, “sleep with no one else”, etc.). Exceptional guys get to SET their own rules.
同样对身体接触也是如此，如果她发现她触摸你比她一般情况下要多或者触摸得更早，她会觉得你们两人之间，比其他男人来说有更多的化学元素。她会认为你带给她更多的舒适感，并且认为你和女人相处比其他男人更加自信。
普通男人会按照一般规则出牌（比如说在F之前必须要约会X次，从来没有和其他人F过等等），特别的男人会有他们自己的规则。
Open relationships, Step 2: Set the right first impression
Once a girl has a first impression of you, it’s not easy to change it. In fact, it will creep her out if you behave one way when you first meet and very differently on the phone or on the first date. 开放式关系，步骤2：取得正确的第一印象
一旦女孩儿对你产生了第一印象，将很难改变。事实上，如果第一次见面时你表现得和之前电话里面的形象、或者以后第一次约会时形象很不一样，那必定会让她感觉很发毛，难于接受。
If you wait til the 1st or 2nd date to sexualize or start touching, you’ll have a hard time keeping things casual. That’s too late. By then she’s already pigeon-holed you.
如果你等到第一次或者第二次约会的时候才开始触及性或者才开始触摸，那么你后面将很难与把你的性触摸表现得不经意。那就太晚了，到那时，她就把你归类到其他类的男人中去了。
Don’t telegraph that you’re looking for something serious unless you are. It’s a waste of her time and yours.
不要表现得你在找一段真正的感情（除非你的确是在找），将会浪费你和他的时间。
If you show your sexual side earlier, your intentions will be clear from the start and you will naturally attract those women who are receptive to open relationships.
如果你尽早表现出了你对性的看法，你的目的从最开始就清晰，那么你将自然而然地吸引到对此持开放态度的女人。
Open relationships, Step 3: Qualification.
Studies show that women care less about sexual than emotional infidelity (check out a description of the research here). They’d rather their partner sleep with another woman without being in love, than the other way around. Guys are the opposite. 开放式关系，步骤3：赋格
研究表明，相比于性，女人关心情感上的信仰更多，她们更情愿和其他没有爱人的女人一起睡，而不是反过来和有爱人的男人一起睡。男人正好相反。
It’s not so much commitment itself that girls are after, but rather the feeling that they are appreciated and respected. It’s the thought of being used for sex that they don’t like.
女孩儿在追求的是一种被欣赏和尊重的感觉，而不是一种承诺。她们不愿意把承诺当作F的借口。
Qualification is the process of finding out, and complimenting, her non-physical attributes. Tell her exactly what it is you like about her personality. Remind her of this often. This justifies why you like her, as opposed to every other girl, and rules out that you’re just using her for sex.
赋格是一种找出并且赞扬她非外貌上的特质，明确告诉她你喜欢她身上哪一个特质。经常提醒她，成为你确实喜欢她而不喜欢其他女孩儿的原因。并且确定这就是她和你进行F的缘由。
Open relationships, Step 4: Be honest about your intentions
There are many ways you can implicitly set a casual context (joke about her becoming your 8th wife, mention a past casual relationship or ask her if she’s into threesomes).
But I also explicitly explain where I stand to most girls before sex occurs (that’s the time to break it out, by the way, not after you’ve been dating for a month…).
If there is any doubt in my mind about her expectations, I bring it up. I don’t want any misunderstandings leading to bad blood or disappointment on her end. There’s nothing wrong with preferring not to have committed relationships; it’s our prerogative. But it would be hypocritical not to recognize the same right of choice to women.
如果我心里对她的期待有任何疑虑，我会提出来。我不想最后让她因为误解而产生失望的情绪。对于非正式关系，这没什么错。这是我们的特权，而如果不能正确认知女人也有同样的特权，显然是不合理的。
I do this in 2 steps. First I explain that I am generally pretty casual with relationships and am not necessarily looking for anything serious.
我一般通过两步来完成。第一我解释我通常对男女关系比较随意，并不是在找一段严肃的感情。
Then I tell her I’m interested in hanging out regardless of whether we have sex (assuming it’s true, if it’s not I don’t pursue her long-term).
然后我告诉她无论我们F与否，我都乐于跟你出去玩儿。（假设是对的，如果不是，我也不会追她这么久）
I want her to understand that I want to have sex but it’s not a big deal for me. If it happens, great; if it doesn’t, no biggie. This doesn’t detract from showing my intentions and being sexual, it only reinforces them.
The mindset I approach it with is I like sex, but I don’t need it.
我接近她脑海中想的就是我喜欢性，但是我现在并不需要性。
IMPORTANT: remind her of the casual setup every once in a while, otherwise she will assume things have changed.
重要：不时地要提醒她你的原则，否则她会认为你的态度有改变。
Open relationships, Step 5: Set the right dynamics
This is where most guys mess up. 开放式关系，步骤5：设立正确的动态关系
这是大多数男人搞砸的地方。
What you do matters more than what you say. If you say you want to be casual and behave like a boyfriend, she’ll be confused or choose the interpretation she favors.
你做什么比你说什么更重要，如果你说你想要一段随意关系，但是表现出一个男朋友的样子，那么她会感到很费解，或者她自己就会对你的行为进行她想要的方式进行解释。
Don’t call all the time. Don’t have lengthy phone conversations about her day and your family. Don’t hang out more than once a week. Seeing each other every day and filling each other in on every mundane aspect of your lives is relationship terrain and creates attachment in her mind, even if you’ve honestly stated your position. Assuming this dynamic equates to saying “we’re a couple” with your actions and is misleading to her. Avoid it if you’re not ready for commitment and don’t want things to go sour.
不要总打给她电话。不要和她聊太多关于她的事情和你的家庭的事儿，也不要和她出去超过1次/一周。如果每天都见面，并且让她渗透进入你的生活会在她心里产生负担，即使你很真诚地表达了你的立场。假设这种动态方式等于说“我们是一对”，通过你的行为，在误导她。如果你并没有打算长期关系，要尽量避免这么做。
Open relationships, Step 6: Be fair
This isn’t the 40s. Relationship rights are equal. If you want to be casual, that’s your prerogative. But it goes both ways. In an open relationship you don’t get to control where she goes or who she hangs out with. If you can’t handle that, open relationships are not for you. If you want a relationship where you have freedom and she doesn’t, get a blow-up doll. 开放式关系，步骤6：公平
现在不是40年代，男女平等。如果你想要随意一些，是你的权利。在一段开放式关系中，你没必要去控制她去哪里以及和什么样的人一起玩。如果你不能忍受这些，开放式关系就并不适合于你；如果你要一段你有自由，而她没自由的关系，去找一个洋娃娃吧！
Open relationships, Step 7: Be true to yourself
No matter how awesome you are, some women are just not interested in casual relationships. No amount of tricks and psychology can change that. At the end of the day, when you’ve explained what you’re about, it’s her call to take it or leave it. 开放式关系，步骤7：对自己实事求是
无论你多牛逼，的确有一些女人对随意的男女关系并不感兴趣。多少的技巧和心理术都无法改变这个事实。最后，你解释了你自己立场后，接受与否是她的事儿。
Some guys are dishonest out of fear of rejection, but that’s hardly the way to go. Men with abundance don’t feel the need to sleep with every girl that crosses their path. Some women aren’t right for you. Some can’t handle a casual relationship or just plain don’t want one. Don’t push it. Don’t try to convince her. Sleep with women who are ok with being casual, befriend the ones who are not. Surround yourself with interesting, beautiful women, without having an agenda or trying to get something from them, and the rest will follow.
一些兄弟出于害怕拒绝而对自己不诚实，但这并不是好的方式。男人并没必要去和每个接触过的女人都要睡一觉。一些女人对你并不合适。一些可以接受随意关系，或者并不愿意接受。没必要对对方施压。不要试图去说服她，只和愿意跟你保持随意关系的女人睡觉即可，跟那些不愿意的女人保持友好的态度。让你周围聚满有趣的漂亮女人，没必要形成一个计划表，也没必要试图从她们身上获取什么，这样心中无欲，其他好事情自然会随之而来。
楼主